Monday, July 31, 2017
For the past few weeks the desire to write and share is like sitting in a dentist's chair. I loath dentists. They are evil but necessary. Going to the dentist sends my anxiety into overdrive, and I have even broke out in tears in the middle of procedures. You see how difficult writing can be for me who struggles with clinical depressive and anxiety? Am I the only artist who gets an access denied reply when attempting to get in creative motion? Okay, it's just me. Am I the only one who struggles with depression and anxiety who has desires to do a million and one things, but push past the thinking gate? What we as artists face is not so much of a block, I prefer to call it a temporary moment of, access denied.
Our mental health is fashioned the same way. We want to do this or that, access denied. We need to clean and cook, access denied. We need to shower and spiff ourselves up, access denied. You see your children running a muck, access denied. Is that poor house plant in the corner on its last leaf? Access denied. Just getting out of bed is extreme, access denied with sirens and fireworks. If we get real, we all can relate and admit it, right? No matter how much desire you have, all of the red flags are popping up, ACCESS DENIED. So, you stay in your comfort zone behind closed doors. Even answering the phone is an act of congress. It's just me right?
What about having granted access to all that you need and desire? What does that look like for you? What about stepping out of your unfulfilling and imagined comfort zone by force? What about not cutting your arms or legs? What about not planning your suicide? What about not pulling your hair out by the roots or scratching until blood flows? Our emotional well being has many layers. The key is to allow the layers to be pulled back, to reveal the gift that's inside of you, to allow your gift to be revealed to all who desire to experience the access that you grant them to your authentic beauty.
My brothers and sisters, no matter what your gifts are, if you are not revealing them to the world, the world misses out on your authentic beauty. Be it writing, painting, dancing, or playing an instrument, all of these gifts and more are the catalyst to allowing others access to your greatness. These priceless gems of who you are is exactly what the world needs from you. Though we will experience rejection, we must reject the idea that we are not enough or needed. We must actively ignore the naysayers and embrace the one or two or even hundreds who say yes to us and embrace us unconditionally. You must say yes to yourself because you deserve it. If you are surrounded by rejection, remove yourself, UNAPOLOGETICALLY.
You deserve all that God has just for you. God's word tells us that, "no weapons formed against you will prosper." The weapons will come, but if you fight, you will eventually win. So, brush yourself off, turn off the distractions and make your move. No matter how small your move is, each step forward moves you further away from where you dont belong and moves you closer to where you are required to be. Take action and let action fuel you.
I made my move forward and you are reading it. Access was granted.
Saturday, July 1, 2017
After a few work days of buses not showing up for their scheduled stops, me getting home close to 2 hours later than normal, and no good sleep I'm reminded still, how good God is. Even the periodic snaps of depression and anxiety haven't caused me to forget how good God is. The key is encouraging myself because all storms pass.
It amazes me to see so many people unaware of the true effects of mental illness. They tell you, get over it. They are the ones who have no debilitating physical or educational knowledge of the struggles. They don't understand the fight everyday to remain in a visual normal state of mind with tending to the tasks requiring your presence. They can't understand why you cry for no apparent reason. Unaware that some wish to lay down at any given time to sleep hoping to never awake again. Unaware that at any moment a fuse can blow in ones mind and all hell can be unleashed. Unaware that they may see beauty or bronze, while a depressive is seeing and feeling disgust, frustration, anger, and many more emotions because of the many triggers. Unare that someone is plannimg to end their life while smiling. Unaware that a depressive just placed cuts on their body to distract them from the chatter in your head. Oh no, they have no idea the magnitude that mental illness has on a soul shouting under water, unheard. Unaware that there is no such thing as, getting over it.
Since my diagnosis in April 2016, I realize my limits and I don't apologize for them. I know when, what, and how when it comes to me and my journey. Noone can tell me how I should feel. The sad thing is, I often times feel ousted, abandoned and socially inadequate. Though I know who the few are that remain a constant in my life, I see the fear in ones eyes due to the stigma. I see the concern in their eyes when I talk about my journey. I also see the shock as they seem to not want to believe that I struggle. Because I smile, laugh, and encourage others. The thing is, I have struggled long before a clinical diagnosis. I've struggled since a very young age, I just didn't know what it was at the time, so I pushed, stuffed, ignored, and move on in life until, there was no more room and the wall showed up smack dab in my face, clinical depression and anxiety.
I won't complain because I have learned many valuable lessons, and of them remains at the forefront of my awareness, the God I serve is always present and because of Him alone, I rise up and show up with my best for each day. I no longer jump on band wagons and trends to remain relevant or in touch. I've limited my intake of other people's chatter especially when it has nothing to do with me and my journey, especially when I absolutely see gnats and no fruit in their lives. I'm like yeah, I hear you, but do you know what God says? Boom, I slammed the door of my conscious and not allow doubt, fear, or another's doubt and fear to throw me off course. Don't get me wrong, I hear the conversation I just just don't co-sign the conversation. I do get overly concerned and frustrated mainly because I'm a thinker. I think about thinking and then I think some more. Let me think about that. Giggles.
My brothers and sisters, there is no perfect and absolute way of walking out your journey. There is no feel better quick scheme to push you to the other side of the dark cloud, but there are action steps to take each day to ensure that you don't remain stuck under that dark cloud. You just have to be hungry for peace and balance. Shine your own sunshine. Music and taking a walk helps me. Keeping the negative and duldrum at bay is powerful when you are in tune with who you are is one of many keys to peace and balance. Knowledge of your journey is very important, educating yourself will give you the tools to fight. After a year, I have become much better at keeping myself in check, and not complaining is my super power on this journey. So get up and show up for yourself and watch God show out on your behalf because you are loved and needed. You matter.