Sunday, April 29, 2012

Pearls


 Pearls

The ocean is an amazing body created by God. In every animal is a gift and the oyster is one of them. An oyster can create the most beautiful piece of itself, the pearl. Many flock to the sand beds digging in search of the oyster. Many will find one with a pearl and what joy it is when it is found. It is treasured, many are gathered into a beautiful piece of jewelry. I love pearls and I thank God that he made me a pearl too. I am writing this blog on pearls not to focus on the oyster but to bring to light a topic that most do not talk about yet God speaks on it. I am writing this blog to give to life a story of love and compassion, a focus on the very pearl that is a part of many woman and man. Making love, having sex, booty call, this pearl is called many things but to bring my point, I am talking about celibacy.

Living a celibate life is a taboo for many but for God it is a mandate. Gods word states in Ephesians chapter 5, do not fornicate. Most of us have heard the sermon and have had many elders point a finger and tell us not to do this until marriage. But most of us I for one have forsaken that request. And in doing so tarnished the very blessing that God created for good.

Why? I am writing this for me and for millions of woman and men who need a reminder. A gentle nudging to keep in mind that what God has created is beautiful. I am confident that this is the time to go back and open up the minds of many who find the choice to live celibate hard, frustrating and down right crazy. To remind us all that we do not have to settle, we do not have to give away the most important part of ourselves with a hope that there will be some type of success story.

Walk with me on my journey, may you too realize that the beauty of the pearl is still valuable and priceless. That you are worth far more than rubies, the pearl.

I recently met a man, he is smart and in his words love God. I enjoyed his company and I was more excited that he was member of my church, a worker, a participant, a servant. I have prayed for God to bless me with His man, the man He has for me. We talked about God and we shared some commonalities. I was honest with him that I am celibate and I am praying to remain this way until I was married. He understood, so I thought. I also asked him to let me know if a relationship with me is not what he wanted. He stated he wanted to see where it goes, that he liked me. OK cool, I said to myself, this is going to be fun. Lord knows I am ready for some fun. I almost thought he was the one until that conversation. It basically went like this, I commend you for your walk, I don't think I can do it, I just don't know. My inner voice said to me uh oh here we go and what you mean you don't know, yes you do know. We decided to talk on the next day, he did not call so I called him, no need in prolonging anything, get it over with. In that conversation, he said it, he could not be celibate and this (our new thing) will not work, he could not, not have sex. I wanted to vomit. To be honest I wanted to punch him in the face however that would have been hard to do since we were on the telephone, just being honest. In my mind I repeated what he said but changed a few words, I do not want to do it. Though I said I understood and for the most part I did. I did fail understand because in my study of Gods word and knowing what God says, I kept replaying in my mind how can you say you love God and you want to live a right life but you do not want to stop having sex before marriage? Which head is talking? Do you value yourself any more than that? Now he is not the first, I met a practicing pastor and the issue came up of his flesh and how hard it is for him to not have sex outside of marriage and it almost sound like to me that he would get married to anyone just to have sex. Now I am no dumb dumb but I am still floored at the many men and women who walk around praising God, shouting and praying while in the dark nights they are still bound by sex. I can not condemn or judge, I am confused. I have been there and done that. Still there too, emotionally.
There were never talks in my house about the birds and the bees as a child. Though there were implied statements and conversations, nothing direct like lets sit down and talk about sex. Now I had sex education in school and that's where my curiosity started opening up. Television and magazines. I learned by trial and mush error. I started having sex at the age 14 and in doing so, I have two sons out of wedlock as its called and much heart ache. I have also been married. But between the start and the beginning of my sexcapade, I also loved and still do love God. I also prayed and shouted. But I knew that my actions were not lining up with Gods word and with that my life was destroyed on many levels. I actively used sex to find love but came up empty. I used sex to satisfy some dark pit inside me hoping that I would one day find my Boaz. Nope. Negative. Zilch. I did not have sex with every man I met, there are more whom I did not share this pearl with but the ones I did share with or more so gave away too, I wanted them specifically to love me, I craved them and in the end, I was broken down to a bowl of chipped glass. Until one night while getting my groove on with someone I could have loved to death, we finished. I looked at my bed partner all snug and snoozing in shear disgust. I replayed in my head our many conversations and the fact that this man was in no position to love anyone, including himself. Good hearted but broken too. The Holy Spirit burst into my thoughts right there in that bedroom saying to me, empty still? no love, no compassion, no emotion except for the few hours of heave and hoe, EMPTY. You can not make him love you, he is not worthy, is this what you want? Is this who you are? Let me tell ya people, I have never taken a shower and gotten dressed so fast, I would have won a Grammy. I can not tell you if the water was hot or cold and as I think about that night, I don't even remember the soap. I left and never looked back, at him. But oh no, a blast from the past months later and yet again, I am on my back with sweat rolling over my body and my soul crying out, shouting, EMPTY. The Holy Spirit did not show up but the message did and once again, I was out of there but this time I have not looked back. Let me tell you sisters and brothers there was another and I almost married him but praise God for His nudging and the events that led up to that end.

I fully repented and asked God to forgive me for trying to push His hand to action and give me strength to do His will, he did and here I am a 4 years later, free of the sexual baggage that most of us are walking with daily. Free from the emotional curses that saten uses to destroy Gods children. Not where I was but not where I am going but I stepped out of the box and reevaluated myself, allowed God to truly speak to me and work in me. Right now, I am traveling in the right lane for once in my life.

I share this because most of you hear that voice present in your heart, but you are afraid to turn around and run from the very thing that is destroying the beauty God created, you. You have rationalized to yourself why you are doing what your doing. It won't work and until you fully get that, you will remain at the starting gate of life, the life God has created for you, remember all of lives are ordered. God knows and He also knew what will happen and not happen. All the while, He is still holding His arms out waiting, waiting to love you unconditionally. Your wounds will continue to seep from under that bandages you try to cover them with. The scabs will never heal until you use the only medication for your condition. God, in spirit and in truth.

Value your pearl and live life on purpose, God's purpose.