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Showing posts from 2016

Resting In The Victory - My Journey Through Depression

It has been over a month since I have posted to the blog, but not for a lack of trying. I have written a few pieces, but once I read over them, they just didn’t click for me. Perfectionist issues!   Even as I sit and peck the keys to express this post, I am struggling. I don’t have anything to say, yet I have so much to say. Confusing right? I absolutely don’t understand it, but I am not going to force it. 7 months ago, I felt the earth under my feet disappear. I couldn’t catch my breath and the tears wouldn’t stop flowing. The vice grip on my stomach was unbearable. My heartbeat was doing a triple beat tango, and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t crawl out of the dark pit of dread, despair, rage, and heartache. Chronic depression and anxiety, that was the diagnosis. I am following both of my doctors’ orders, taking the medication and attending counseling. I devour books that give me insight, knowledge, direction, and comfort during this walk in the valley. I have removed my

Shattered Comfort Zone – My Journey Through Depression Part 2

I smile and go inward with my thoughts because voicing them at any given moment could result in an atomic melt down, my own melt down. It is bad enough that I think, it is worse when my facial expressions betray my brain. Depression and anxiety will do that to you. I am a routine type person. I have structure and I am organized, sometimes to a fault. At this moment, I am totally not in control, straight out of my comfort zone. Being in situations that are not well put together or unorganized makes me itch. This has always been my way of life. I was raised to do things right or don’t do them at all. No half steppin! These past few weeks have been emotionally and physically draining, but so far I am doing good. Even though the cloud of anxiety is waving the red flag shouting, run and kick everyone in the kneecaps, I have managed to only have one small melt down. I have had a horrific virus that has been flying around, that floored me. I will spare you the details, trust me you

Shattered Comfort Zone - My Journey Through Depression Part 1

In my last post I shared the reality of the apartment complex I am currently in increasing the rent by $150.00, many others were affected as well. So this complex will have many vacancies. Awwwww.   Side eye. Rent increases are taking place all over the country making it very hard for working people to live comfortable and in safety, some are even being forced into homelessness because they cannot afford the outrageous rent prices, and the so called affordable, low income, and subsidized is an illusion.   Unless you want to live in a ran down and dilapidated property, where slum lords are only concerned about receiving their rent on time. Praise God that He will not allow that direction for me. Though I have not secured my own lease as of this post, I do have a roof. For a depressive, all of the unplanned change could cause spontaneous combustion. Surprisingly, I am not in the dark pit of depression. That may be due to the medication, the self-talk, and determination to walk th

Staying Power - My Journey Through Depression

  There is a gospel song that comes to mind when I think about, staying power. I goes like this: It's another day's journey and I'm glad) I'm glad about it, (I'm glad), I'm glad about it, (I'm so glad), I'm glad about it). (It's another day's journey and I'm glad), I'm glad about it, I'm so glad to be here. (You know I've got my health and strength and I'm glad), I'm glad about it, (I'm so glad), I'm glad about it (I'm so glad), I'm glad about it. (You know I've got my health and strength and I'm glad), I'm glad about it, I'm so glad to be here. I'm so glad. I'm so glad to be here. Yes, I can say that I am glad to be here.   Even though I feel as if my life being turned upside down, I am still glad.   Since my last post, I have been working hard to keep myself out of the dark hole of depression and anxiety. I owe it all to God first and foremost, wit

In His Strength - My Journey Through Depression

Life alone and all that comes with living is a balancing act. Raising children, house cleaning, shopping, work, and many other chores that we add to our list of  must do's, no wonder our mental health is out of balance. Now, add a serious mental illness of any degree to the equation, and you will no doubt tip the scales and see no signs of balance. With any type of emotional hardship, balancing your everyday life can be a struggle and seem impossible, Guess what my dear friend, you can do it. Webster explains Balance as, the state of having your weight spread equally so that you do not fall, the ability to move or to remain in a position without losing control or falling, a state in which different things occur in equal or proper amounts or have an equal or proper amount of importance. You may find your left foot on one side of the scale in right position, and your right foot positioned lower than your left. You are holding on. Oh yeah! You are doing good at this balancin

Decisions – My Journey Through Depression

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a clean and neat person. Well, not as of late. I absolutely cannot bring myself to empty the dishwasher and load up the few dishes that have sat in my sink, in dishwater for the past few days, well going on 4 days. I have emptied the dish water and refilled the sink with clean soapy water, but I have not had the desire to complete the dish washing process.   Judge me if you will, unless you have faced this horrible illness, you really have no idea what a depressive will face on a day-to-day basis.   To some, making a decision is like chopping off your own hand and watching it bleed.   I can get dramatic. I have talked with other woman to learn that they too face this battle.   Tasks as small as emptying a dishwasher and reloading it, come on, really? Yes, absolutely. I find myself looking around and saying to myself, I need to do that and this, oh and that. I start out on a good groove of hitting every room in my two-bedroom apartment. I

Riding The Roller Coaster - My Journey Through Depression

Depression for me is like a roller coaster ride. It moves slowly at first and then, whoosh, down it goes and then faster it goes up the track. It twists and turns and back down and then up faster and faster. It loops and curves and then, it stops. The depressive moments come out of the blue, literally and take hold just as fast as a roller coaster moving along it’s track.   I don’t play with roller coasters and they don’t appreciate me. I don’t care for amusement parks only due to the mass congestion of people. I do like the exhibits and some of the food, but I have not been to our yearly fair in over 30 years. That is a set up for a major anxiety attack.   Can you relate? Since April 6, 2016, my journey with depression and anxiety has been eye opening and down-right traumatic. The sadness, the dread, the idea that if I have to talk to anyone or go anywhere makes me want to revert back into my cave.   Don’t get me wrong, I talk all day working in a call center, which I have

Triggers - My Journey Through Depression

For the past few weeks, I have been in a good space.   Though I have not been able to focus on writing or reading, my emotions are in check. My thoughts are not travelling at the speed of light, and I am not about to jump out of my skin with anxiety.   Now let’s acknowledge today.   I woke up well before the 3:30 a.m. alarm and as I was making my exit from under my comfy blankets, the rain pours and the lightening is singing a melody, brightening up the morning skies.   That in and of itself is nerve racking. I am not a fan of thunder or being struck by it.   5:00 am and I am dressed, in my car, and on my way to do my employee duties, the engine light comes on. Scream! Heart races and my thoughts move faster than the 60 miles per hour I was actually travelling.   Mental combustion.   This is one of those times when I wish I had a willing and capable husband who I could cozy up on and say honey, the engine light is on in my car. And he would so lovingly say, take my car and I wil

The Will To Engage - My Journey Through Depression

If we never identify the lies and replace them with the truth, we'll forever crave a healthy life on a diet of poison and always wonder why we are sick. Author Craig Groeschel - Soul Detox I am angry. I am frustrated. I feel stuck. Yes, I try to stay positive, but my thoughts take a journey without my permission. Depression pops up and anxiety kicks in and in the pit I go. Yes, depression is a pit. A pit of despair one cannot understand unless they have travelled the journey. There are days when I want to sleep the week away or I want to crawl under a boulder. Lately, I have been in a good space, not that the stabbing of depression does not cut, I am trying to do my part in healing. Even though I know that in Christ I am healed, I do know as a flesh being, I must take action. As I look back over my life, I have always struggled with stress in some form. Everyday was a struggle to just keep living for my sons. I honestly think that if I did not have my children, I may have e

A Mental State Of Mind- My Journey through Depression

As I journey through clinical depression, I am seeing clearly the areas in my life that I have magnified unnecessarily. I unintentionally allowed my thoughts to become laser focused on where I think I should be in my life and on the goals that I have never been able to achieve. I have not allowed myself to morn the death of those closest to me. I have learned to become a sponge, taking in all manner of other peoples issues. The codependency behavior wants to rise up and fix everything, make it all better. The only thing is, the sponge never got wrung out and I know that I cannot fix anything for anyone. Though I have accomplished many things, there are many goals that have seemed to get pushed back into a dark hole. Feelings of being unworthy of anything good. I have placed a priority note on areas that are of no real use in accomplishing what needs to be accomplished, for me. My life has become what I read in a book about clinical depression, an emotional toothache. In 2006, I l

Preplexed - My Journey of Depression

As I close out my day, I am sitting here thinking about the journey I am on. Being diagnosed with clinical depression is one of wonder and curiosity, frustration and bewilderment, anger and fear. Since that dreadful day, April 6, 2016, I have found myself embarked on a journey of seeking knowledge and understanding about this illness. I woke up this morning with a strong desire to cry, scream and shout. I had a dread in my spirit that tried to consume me. I needed to clean a little, but as I started, I got stuck and had to sit down. Knowing that depression will cause you to shut down, I forced myself to accomplish my intended task. This was extremely hard mentally and physically. The dark cloud that loomed kept sounding the alarm beckoning me to stay in bed. I fought it and today ended up a good day. I willed myself to get up and get out. I took in two hours at the gym and got my one load of laundry done. Though my eating is slim to none, I did toss some chicken wings in the oven,

Up Jumps The Wall - My Journey of Depression

I am still here. You may have been wondering, where is she? My last post was April 3, 2016.  Well, let me tell you, I have been on a journey. I am suffering from depression, medication and all that comes with it. I have not been able to write, read, let alone function clearly due to the wall I crashed into, or should I say, the wall that crashed into me.  It has been a month now, and I am doing much better, but this journey is what it is. I can only take the one day at a time granted me by the Father.  The post you are about to read is what I wrote a few days after that dreadful day, April 6th.  My brothers and sisters, depression is real. The masks that we as African-American men and woman have been conditioned to wear must be removed. We must allow the process of life to flow through us no matter how it looks and while life is flowing, we must acknowledge who we are and what it is for us. Wearing the super cape, putting on the vibrant smile, saying we are okay when in fact we a

Black Women Speak Up

"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare" - Audre Lorde Yesterday, I attended an event called, The Black Women Speak Rally. The facilitator, Cana Caldwell of the Pierce County Aids Foundation was absolutely magnificent. She is a young woman on the rise. When I read about the event I was skeptical. The reason for my being skeptical is because for so long I have witnessed many woman especially black woman who come together to speak out on a given hardship to see it turn sour. Many come together to scream, rant, and blame. Many come together to obtain validation for negative behavior and conversation, this I can't do. My attention span for this type of behavior is null and void. With reservation, I went to the event and I am happy that I did. The room was filled with women who came together to discuss the racial divide that is prevalent in our community and its effects on them personally. The raw emo