Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Shattered Comfort Zone – My Journey Through Depression Part 2

I smile and go inward with my thoughts because voicing them at any given moment could result in an atomic melt down, my own melt down. It is bad enough that I think, it is worse when my facial expressions betray my brain. Depression and anxiety will do that to you. I am a routine type person. I have structure and I am organized, sometimes to a fault. At this moment, I am totally not in control, straight out of my comfort zone. Being in situations that are not well put together or unorganized makes me itch. This has always been my way of life. I was raised to do things right or don’t do them at all. No half steppin!

These past few weeks have been emotionally and physically draining, but so far I am doing good. Even though the cloud of anxiety is waving the red flag shouting, run and kick everyone in the kneecaps, I have managed to only have one small melt down. I have had a horrific virus that has been flying around, that floored me. I will spare you the details, trust me you don’t want to know the details. In my last post I shared about my move. Well, today marks 25 days of cohabitation with my son and a rowdy 1-year old grandson. OH My Lord. It has been years since I have had the pleasure of waking up and going to sleep, with a child. I am an empty nester and I absolutely appreciate it now more than ever.  It has been years since I have had to listen to screaming and crying because Lil Man cannot share his words yet, so we as in momma, daddy, and Nana, try to figure it out. Picture the game Sharad’s! I thank God, that I do not have small children to raise and I praise God that He will not bless me with a King who has small children. From my mouth to the heavens. 

Since the diagnosis of depression and anxiety, I have learned to really focus on who I am and what my abilities are. Though I have a desire and passion to do many things, my physical and mental body is letting me know, slow your roll sister and focus. Well, I thought I was focusing until I learned that being busy is not always productive, especially if that busyness is taking up valuable time between you and the Lord. I am learning in deep ways that having too many irons in the fire is a catastrophe and it is exhausting. How can jugglers keep all of those balls in the air? Being a reader and writer, it has been very difficult to focus or keep a thought. Sometimes I drift off in the middle of whatever is going on. I listen to others and become anxious, all I want them to do is either get to the point or shut up. I listen to people make excuses and I want to scream running with gasoline boots on. There are times I feel robbed of my life. There are times when I feel worthless and unnoticed. Most of the feelings are my own exaggerated thoughts. I am aware that many do love and appreciate me and it boils down to me really keep loving and appreciating myself. Not in a superficial way, but in a deep rooted way, just like the Lord love’s me.

Even though I know that I am much to many, I feel empty because I do not see the same in return. People who should be there aren’t. And the ones who are, are an absolutely blessing.

John 10:10 NLT says this, the thief comes to steal and kill and destroy. My (Jesus) purpose is to give life in all its fullness.  Let’s look at the thief. Many will look at this and think it is related to a physical person stealing physical things, killing physical people, and destroying material possessions. This is partly true, but there is more to this scripture. First we are human, fleshly beings. Before our minds add up the costs of our thoughts, ideas, and suggestions, our flesh reacts first. That tingly, itchy, hot, or even cold feeling we get starts in our flesh. The heart racing, sweating, eye twitch, that’s the flesh reaction to a number of things. Once the body is on alert, the mind is like, so, what do we have here? Then it is off to the races with trying to figure it out, solve the problem, or in some cases create a problem. Here comes Jesus. The peace that passes all understanding, that’s if we truly take in all that He has said and done, all that He has said to do and not do. Go back to John 10 and read the entire chapter closely.

I have to admit that I look back over my life and trust me I look back often. I am noticing some things that I am ashamed of, but not surprised. The Holy Spirit convicts that way.  I noticed that the enemy hit me in the head and my body reacted. My head took over and my emotions went rampant. My only desire is to be a recluse. Steal, kill, and destroy. I have allowed the enemy to hold me in mental hostage, my body followed with sickness, depression, anxiety, laziness, selfishness, self-centeredness, anger, rage, self-righteousness and the list goes on.  All related to me, me, me and a whole lot of me. Do you see it? Steal, kill, and destroy.  

I know that God has been right there in my footsteps the whole time, without question. I know that the Holy Spirit has been pushing, nudging, pulling on my ear, and alerting me. Acknowledgement is half of any solution. So with that being said, even though within the human body chemical’s change, God never changes and the word never changes. One thing is certain, the attacks will not end. The ungodly will be removed from the ungodly, and God will continue to do new things.

My Brothers and Sisters, no matter what obstacle’s you face, give praise. No matter who walks in or walks out of your life, give praise. No matter the decisions you must make, give praise and make those decisions. No matter your health diagnosis, give praise and do the work in getting healthy. Giving praise is the life that Jesus gives. Everything will not work out the way you intend. What will happen is, you will grow and gain so much peace, you will have a testimony, and most of all you will have an extreme praise.

Be Blessed

Monday, October 10, 2016

Shattered Comfort Zone - My Journey Through Depression Part 1

In my last post I shared the reality of the apartment complex I am currently in increasing the rent by $150.00, many others were affected as well. So this complex will have many vacancies. Awwwww.  Side eye. Rent increases are taking place all over the country making it very hard for working people to live comfortable and in safety, some are even being forced into homelessness because they cannot afford the outrageous rent prices, and the so called affordable, low income, and subsidized is an illusion.  Unless you want to live in a ran down and dilapidated property, where slum lords are only concerned about receiving their rent on time. Praise God that He will not allow that direction for me. Though I have not secured my own lease as of this post, I do have a roof.
For a depressive, all of the unplanned change could cause spontaneous combustion. Surprisingly, I am not in the dark pit of depression. That may be due to the medication, the self-talk, and determination to walk this process out. It is absolutely due to my faith.  I am feeling some anxiety due to the unknown and that I am an imagined control freak. My patience is not short, it is gone. My conversation is leaning towards the sign language that I should have taken seriously in Jr. High School. Give me silence. Driving in my car is like a rolling padded cell. My thoughts want to do a 200-yard dash, stopping suddenly and then, do a long jump and a running leap off of the nearest cliff.  That is how the effects of anxiety feel to me, but don’t you worry, I am not going to harm myself, I have some grandchildren to harass. LOL
I am excited about the changes that were much needed because I was content and complacent. I am over joyed for a fresh perspective.  I thank God because if it was not for Him and His grace, for His love letters of peace and love, I would have scratched every piece of paint off of every wall down to the bare 2 x 4. I would have pulled every nail out of that wall with my teeth. A little dramatic right? For Real Doe!!!!!!!!! Imagine fingernails being raked across the chalk board sound. My teeth hurt thinking about it. LOL. I am absolutely on cloud 9. Not because I have won the Lottery, I would have to play to even attempt a win. Not that my life is in a grand arena of bells and whistles. Not even due to me no longer suffering from Depression and Anxiety.  I am on cloud 9 because I have been pushed out of my comfort zone of imagined control. I say imagined control because this woman is a control freak.
My Brothers and Sister, all of us have a journey to travel and a cross to bear. All of have a testimony within us that is for someone, we must now that it is not about us. So when you feel the earth move under your feet and the skies seem to be cloudy and gray, know that god is up to something. Rest in His presence. Rest in His word. And most of, instead of frowning and complaining about the darts that come your way, stand up and swing back. Raise your hands in total praise. I know that I cannot do anything without my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I lift my hands in total praise.
Be Blessed