Monday, December 3, 2012

Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for thou art with me. Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.  Psalm 23:4
This is the time of the year where millions will be planning and preparing, decorating and singing and spending unnecessarily. Most are full of hope and joy. But there are millions more who are in despair. No family or friends. No home to call their own. No food to fill their bodies and no covering from the elements. I am reminded everyday just how close we all are from living a life poverty. Millions around the world are in a fight and its not the good fight but, the fight for life. Its not the fight to protect and honor instead a fight to live one more day or not. Though many are employed, have health insurance, have roofs over their heads, cars to drive, food to eat. There millions more who do not. Millions awake tormented by there mental and physical pain and disappointments. Some received and will receive unwelcomed news from a doctor or lawyer, neighbor, friend or family. Someone did not wake up today.  

Looking back to see ahead for some is not an option or choice.  Seeing the joy in today is clouded.

All of us have missed the mark in many ways we have become lazy, inconsiderate and disobedient to the mission God intended and God's word. Can you raise your hand? I can. Accountability we will not get away from when its time. This is the time to take inventory and be thankful. Not the arrogant type of thankfulness but that thankfulness that makes your heart break because you know where you were and where you are even though you do not know where your going. Thankful for those who helped you.

This is the time to stop talking and take action, to be honest about what it means to love others and Praise God.  Not that kind of love where someone loves you back or praise when one of your favorite spirituals come on, no. Its the kind of love that speaks when you have not said a word or the praise that breaks out right in the middle of your drive home in traffic or while you are preparing a meal or looking into someone's eyes seeing their smile but knowing their cry. Praise is release. Psalm 146. Praise warns satan. The praise is release in knowing you have no control in this life and knowing Who is, Jesus and Jesus alone.


It is yet again time to look at ourselves and love others. Luke 10:30-37.  Look to God's hand in the creation of life. Look to God for power, vision and change because without change there will be no growth. The change can come in many forms. For example, while shopping for your family, shop for your local food bank or your church food bank, they will need food 365 days a year not just Thanksgiving and Christmas. Matthew 6:1-4. While pumping your gas, add a few dollars to someone else's gas tank. While visiting the dollar menu at McDonald’s think about and seek out a homeless person and share a meal, they may not have eaten in days. Go to the homeless shelters and nursing homes and serve, this is where history is. Where loneliness lives and waits to die. Clean out your closet and pass it along. Serve.

You can be the light ACTIVELY that Jesus commanded. No one can see your light behind closed doors.

The moral of this story is this, we are not alone.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

What Is Inside You?


    Jesus told the people, "What comes out of a man is what makes him 'unclean.' For from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and make a man 'unclean'" Mark 7:15, 21-23

Are you clean? Are you a child of God struggling with these sins. Be of good courage you are not alone. Society today has caused many including Gods children to loose hope, peace and most of all strength and faith. I have been in the pool of some of these same sins but I praise God that He is a forgiving God and I can bow down and humble myself, repent and ask for forgiveness knowing that the sin is remembered no more and I can turn away. That is God. No where in the word of God does it say you will not suffer but on the contrary it does say, you will suffer, for My sake. And in that suffering we have a choice. A choice to believe what God says or what the world says. We have the choice to stand in the perfect will of God knowing that yes, we will fail but we can get up and dust off our stuff and move on.

The message is clear that we must guard out hearts, minds and souls. We must allow God to continue to go before us even when all hell is breaking loose around us and in us, do not loose the focus of the mission God has. We must remember that with each blessing there is a curse. With each step you take, the road is not always smooth. The highways and byways are full of people on the fast track to no where all the while mentally thinking that the mission they are on is the important one. Is it? Have you consulted the creator? Have you listened to His promptings for your life?

Remove anything and anyone who will distract you from Gods purpose for your life. Get back into focus even in the storm and remember the storm does pass. Speak goodness, live in the fruits of the spirit. Galatians 5:22-23.

You can not afford to not speak life.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Thought Of The Day


My thought for today:

If you want quality you must be quality. Many of us expect so much but only give so little. We seek love but we put conditions on it. We want more money but refuse to put in the hours required and complain when millions do not have employment. We admire things but fail to see there is a cause and effect to having things. Never expect from another what you are not willing to give and if you try to beat the system of life, karma is real and you will no doubt pay for it somewhere in your life's walk. Nothing that happens in your life is by chance, its allowed by God. Change your thinking, change your mind. Feed your thoughts with positiveness. Your eye-gate is the door to growth or destruction meaning, what you choose to see can either bring you growth or cause destruction not only for you but for those around you. One of my favorite quotes from back in college is this, “Determination rules out doubt theory can not solve” penned by an unknown. I wake up determined everyday to remove something that does not work and to hold onto that which is working. How many times will we be forgiven? The same amount of forgiveness we are required to give 70 times 7, God's requirement not mine. Forgiveness is not for the one you forgive, its for you. If you are still talking about the pain you have from yesterday inflicted on you by another, you have not forgiven. If you are still angry about something that happened to you yesterday, you have not forgiven. One of my childhood friends told me one day during a crisis, “you will know when you are tired”. To many love is a gimme feeling meaning, give me this and I will love you. Wrong. Love is a requirement but you must know what love is to give it and to know when you receive it. There is a rule book and it states the following.

1 Corinthians chapter 13 NLV says this:

If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.

2 If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing.

3 If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it;[a] but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.

4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

8 Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages[b] and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! 9 Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! 10 But when the time of perfection comes, these partial things will become useless.

11 When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. 12 Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity.[c] All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

13 Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.

What is your excuse?

Sunday, July 1, 2012

The Jigsaw Puzzle


Over the past few months, I have been up and down. In a month I will be 50 and also feeling the loss of my big sister Leslie who would have also celebrated her birthday 3 days after mine.  I have removed people from my life that held no purpose, drama of any kind is not my strong suit.  I have to say that my testimony is one of courage and strength.  I love solitude to a degree that if you gave me a choice to hang with my sisters or stay home alone, I choose home alone.  AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW Love it.  Not because of any particular reason, just that I like me wait, I love me and my company.  Its my time to detox from a busy work week, voices, conversations, lunch room hellos, impatient drivers and stop lights.  Being an introvert, I have no need to be in the mix however, I am humble enough to do what God says do when it comes to others because it's not about me.   So today, I am not at my much loved church.  I am praising, reading, meditating and networking. Sharing the word and taking some much wanted time to myself.

In my solitude I read to fill my head with knowledge of some kind, I write to leave a legacy for my family and I am putting together a jigsaw puzzle of the Twin Towers before they were so tragically destroyed.  I have always wanted a picture of the Twin Towers both day and at night.  I have the border complete minus one  piece, why is it that one is always missing? Maybe because I bought it for a dollar at a yard sale. LOL

While doing a process of elimination on the pieces, I thought about life and how our lives are just like puzzles.  We try this or that and it does not work.  We go here or there, that is not a fit. We go through life all in the hope of finding and holding onto things and people that we think should fit.  That is not God.  God did not create us to fit and He surely did not create this life so that everything would fit and work out the way we want.  James chapter 1 lets us know that we will go through many things and its all a test of our faith. So get this, life is not a bowl of cherries and you are not being picked on. It is however already marked. God has created and positioned each step of your path and if you follow the lane He has provided for you and you alone, you will end up at the right destination.  There is one thing, if you are not reading and meditating on Gods word, you can not know what He has for you. Hint!!!! Will the travel be easy? No. You will have breakdowns, leaks, flat tires and foggy windows and you will need many repairs along the way.  The end result will be a well maintained masterpiece, a classic, a treasure, you. Remember no one can be you or do you like you.  So be happy with yourself and if your not happy, get with the program.  Look around you at the homeless, jobless, hungry, cold and mentally vacant.  It could be worse.  Forget the things of the past and do what God says, look to the future and while looking to the future, live in the present, the now, the right here at this very moment.  Be grateful, be humble to serve and give back.  You can not walk around with catchers mitts on both hands, you must be able to fast pitch back.  Look down to lift up. Speak kind words or keep your mouth shut because the cahos you speak, you will life.  Proverbs 81:21. Make that phone call you have been thinking about.  Hug someone, shoot I love a good hug and I love giving them too.

The moral of this blog is this, live your life to its fullest where ever you are and remember, someone did not wake up this morning. 

A Celebration Forgotten

July 4th is coming up and you can see all the highlights of local cities preparing to put on a big show to celebrate freedom. Neighborhood parks and waterfronts will be filled with many people sporting their reds, whites and blue. Booths with many different items to buy for the scrap book or to be tossed in a box and forgotten. As I listen and witness these events, I can not help but wonder. My first thought is, where is our freedom fair and widespread celebrations to be announced on local television? Are you wondering what is she talking about? I am talking about Juneteenth. June 19, 1865 commemorates the freedom of slaves.

Here is a short lesson:
JUNETEENTH. On June 19 ("Juneteenth"), 1865, Union general Gordon Granger arrived in Galveston and issued General Order Number 3, which read in part, "The people of Texas are informed that, in accordance with a proclamation from the Executive of the United States, all slaves are free. This involves an absolute equality of personal rights and rights of property between former masters and slaves, and the connection heretofore existing between them becomes that between employer and hired labor."

The tidings of freedom reached the approximately 250,000 slaves in Texas gradually as individual plantation owners informed their bondsmen over the months following the end of the war. The news elicited an array of personal celebrations, some of which have been described in The Slave Narratives of Texas (1974). The first broader celebrations of Juneteenth were used as political rallies and to teach freed African American about their voting rights. Within a short time, however, Juneteenth was marked by festivities throughout the state, some of which were organized by official Juneteenth committees.
My mother who is from Texas taught me and made me read to learn for myself. She would always tell me, don't believe every word you hear, find out for yourself. The books only tell a small truth. I used to wonder why my mother would never make a big deal about the 4th of July. She would say, where is our party and some other course words I won't repeat here but, I am sure you get the point. Here is a small reading again of that emancipation of the General Order Number 3 stating "The people of Texas are informed that in accordance with a Proclamation from the Executive of the United States, all slaves are free. This involves an absolute equality of rights and rights of property between former masters and slaves, and the connection heretofore existing between them becomes that between employer and free laborer."

There have been many events throughout history in relation to our African American history and these celebrations are short, IE Black History Month, a whole month to publicly celebrate our blackness. I could go on with my thought on these subjects alone but what I would rather do is just give you a taste of how much effort is put into trying to force us to forget until an appointed time. Well I did not forget because the reality is, I am black 365 days a year, I celebrate my heritage 365 days a year but the thing that bothers me is our young people are clueless. The attention is given to our young men and grown men walking around who have not learned how to pull their pants up, young girls and grown woman giving away their souls and dignity, to music videos of lust and greed, gang violence, unnecessary killings of our black youth and no real respect to our veterans, the list is long.  African American literature is sitting dusty on shelves and dwindling, while most say there is no black justice, where is my 40 achers and the mule? Really?

How do you articulate Freedom? Are you really free? Are you equal within this so called world of equality?

Monday, June 4, 2012

Pushing Back

The word of God says this "

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen… Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

In my last post I lost it, I lost it internally and emotionally.  But praise God for His word.  Praise God when He sends you a comforter.  My last post I have to admit I meant every word in my being but I have forgiven and have also ask for forgiveness.  Being wounded for an animal I know is painful. Painful and they can not speak in words but in growls and groans.  Being wounded for a human is quite to opposite, we scream, we cry, we fight, and we sink to a low that most would not come up from.  But God.  God in His power can comfort, release and restore you.  The first step to restoration is forgiving your offender then yourself. The second is asking and knowing in faith that God has forgiven you, then walk away from it.  There are things and situations that we allow ourselves to get in and God will allow us to be in it, for a while.  Then He in His power will snatch you back, remove that thing you thought was the prize.  Its the test.  Its the molding and polishing for better.  The better could come in many forms, the better could be a new attitude.  But know this, all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and are called according to HIS purpose. 
 So I say to you when you have been slammed, go ahead cry, scream.  Be angry but do not sin and if you sin, humble yourself and go to the Father, He will help you, carry you and love you past it.
 The past 48 hours have been yet another journey for me. My eyes are open though my heart is on the mend. I stop running the race but I am still on the track. A journey of strength, of weakness, of rage and exhaustion.  Today, I praise God for it all, today I rise and thank Him for Who He is.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Pushed Back

  Much has changed since my last post and let me tell you it has changed hard and fast.  I am in a whirlwind. I have concluded that though God does not want for His children to live alone that He created Love and the unity of marriage, its not my journey to take.  I opened my heart, my mind and my being to a man who basically lied, led me to believe a lie.  "Its not you, its me and I just don't know if I want to be married again and any man would be blessed to have a woman like you, you are a wonderful woman.  OK heard that before and to many times.  So my whirlwind is blowing hard and its cutting deep.  I know God is ever present in me because if He was not, I would have seriously hurt the man.  His words has pushed me back, back to the familiar.  Back to the many times I have heard those words.  I am angry, I am in a fog and why?  All for the sake of love.  I shared this with my sister friend and I told her these words.  I am pissed off to the point of pistivity (sure its not a word but it sounds good).  I feel like I have been stabbed right in the jugular, life seeping out of me at  a fast pace.  I feel like there will never ever never be another chance for another to come as close as to pierce my heart.  I feel like the quality of man is totally null and void, though I know its not all, I hold my claim today.  I feel like the God in me feel asleep and forgot that I was there.  I feel like going backwards and showing what I have locked off, insanity, pure hatred and disdain. 


And while I feel all of this and them some, I wonder really what does one really want and why can't the truth be told at the gate before the race.  I strangle any thought that I will embark in loves closet.  I burn any thought that I will allow anyone to penetrate the very core of what God placed in me, to share that with another.  As a matter of fact, I know that road will not be traveled by me be it on 2 wheels or 4, hell I would not hope on 1 leg.  Today I am that bitter black woman tormented with the fire to destroy and not conquer.  Today I am the vile that creeps from deep within that melts like acid.  Today I will not cry out in distress, I will do this.  I will write out that which is choking the very air I am trying to refuse to breath in.  I will let this journey strip away all that I fear and in that fear I will remember the words of my Lord and savior. What you meant for harm, God will use for good, in me.  Om Jus Sayin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Saturday, May 12, 2012


Pearls conclusion -

At the start of this blog I shared with you my journey of celibacy and the rejection I endured because of it. Many walk around in bondage and that is not healthy. Many partake of a luxury that is exclusively set for marriage knowing that its wrong, its destructive and also dangerous in some cases. I thank God for the strength He has given me to stand firm on His word. Now, I will flip this script and share a wonderful ending.

In this blog I shared that a church member did not want to date due to his inability, so he thought to refrain from sex. With much thought and much prayer, he has changed his position. God is good. We have been dating a while now and it has been the most amazing, refreshing and loving union. I am happy to share that our journey will soon take us walking down the isle. YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Praise God, Praise God and I could not be happier. You see my brothers and sisters, what God puts together, no one can tare it apart, not even us unless we are just plain rebelling against His will. Old fashioned values, respect and consideration and a whole lot more has transpired in our relationship and guess what, NO SEX!!!!!!. Oh yes we hug a little, kiss a lot but control is used and he is more happy about that. We are free from guilt, free from grieving the Holy Spirit and happy that we are honoring Gods word.

So in closing of this short blog, I encourage those of you who love God to use what He has given to stand firm, keep your boundaries and demand respect in its fullness. Evaluate your life and your past. Take responsibility for you life and learn to love yourself fully and completely. Study Gods word and apply it to your walk. Take that walk one day at a time and don't be hard on yourself. If you get rejected then he/she was not the one for you. Will it be easy no, will it always be this hard no, why? Because God is in control and what He creates He directs. God will give you everything you need to get you through until that appointed time. Surround yourself with good people who will support you and encourage you, not judge you and break you down. Ladies, take care of yourself. If you are in need of a make over, get with it remember men are visual and they like beauty in its fullness, whole and real. Say what you mean and mean what you say. If your not sure on how to be that lady of God, educate yourself and use the tools that work for you, leave what does not. I work on myself first for me, than God and the man that God will bless me with or, should I say blessed me with. I want to be sexy, cute, adorable and just down right fine, inside and out. Our health must be a priority, I have a few pounds that I argue with though my sweetie says I look fine. So I work on it silently, for me. Ladies, get it in tack and keep it that way.

Men, you are not exempt. You must take care of your temple, your mind, body and soul. We don't don't want lazy, do nothing, want nothing, whups, I could go on, I won't. Woman are visual too and we want you around a long time. We want and need you to lead. We want to respect you so, respect yourself. Same for you, if you don't know educate yourself, there are too many tools and gyms available. NO EXCUSES!!!!!! Get your head right, clean your heart and be ready for the love of your life. She is waiting, on you.

With all this said I can only say that if you Love God, do what He requires so that He can bless you abundantly. What do you have to loose except for what you have already lost?

I see a summer wedding and bells are ringing.

Now for the next post.   I will continue my conversation about celibacy and sharing some tools to help.  Stay tuned. 

Bless You All

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Pearls continued


What is celibacy? It is basically not having sex until marriage. We can also be celibate from many things but this my the main focus because being a single christian woman, I have found that there is not much reading material available. I know I have been in my church for many years and I have yet to hear my beloved Pastor speak directly on the subject. Why? As I read what material is available and as I will myself to stay in the right lane while letting God drive, I am feeling worn down. Is this the evil spirits and principalities Paul writes about in Galatians Gods word has many examples on why we should abstain from sex until marriage. God created sex for the marriage bed not outside of it. He says to be fruitful and multiply, between man and woman. We all know this can not take place between two men or two woman but society will have you to believe that this commandment no longer applies, with the same sex vote now in legislation. Sad but true.

If you look back in history, there was the chastity belt and currently it still remains but the use currently is defanently not for its intended purpose. Praise God that we do not have those hideous thing now. Back in those days single unmarried men and woman wore them. It was used to prevent sexual intercourse. It was used by soldiers who felt sexual intercourse was going to happen, really? I wonder if we had a law that made it a mandate that all unmarried persons had to wear one, how this life would be today. I am sure there would be a shortage of single parenting outside of marriage. I could be wrong, I do tend to think outside of the box. And with thinking outside of the box, I have this tendency to look back. Look back at myself, my actions and behavior that truly only hurt myself. I am not a person who looks to hurt others, but if you know the cycle of pain, hurting people do hurt other people. The concept is that the one who is hurting has too at some point, look within. Throughout my years of taking chances, taking life for granted, the thing that really stuck is that when you freely give all of yourself be it sexually, emotionally and mentally, you are depleting the very spirit that was placed within you by God.

Though God is a forgiving God, he does not remove the consequences of our human actions. What goes around truly comes back around to bite you right in your backside. The consequences of life will follow us for the rest of our lives and if we do not, I say again do not stop the negative, destructive and in most cases dangerous behavior, we loose. And loose I did. What are we loosing? We loose self respect, emotion, mental stability and love. Love for self and others. 1 Corinthians chapter 13 is a powerful chapter in the Bible. Love is not destructive in any way, form or fashion. If used right this love can conquer and destroy the very negatives that are placed to destroy Gods people. Loving self is no a selfish thing however, it can be used selfishly. So with that, when God created Adam and Eve and all the creation with just a word, He meant for this all to be good. He said so. With the fall, we lost out on the very love that God created. But you know what, we can get all back and enjoy true intimacy in its proper fashion. We must check ourselves and let go of the notions that many walk in today. We must get back to the good stuff.

My struggle has been bitter sweet, it has been easy and it has been very hard. I know that within me lies a God given desire to walk in celibacy until that appointed time. I know that He has given me what I need to get through it day by day. Because I no longer have a desire to just throw myself away to undeserving parasites that mean me no good. I will myself to focus.

Here is an example, waking up this morning I should have been bugged about going to the dentist which I do not like as a matter of fact, I despise it. But noooo I felt what was like a doom creeping in to haunt me, why? Flesh, flesh and more flesh. You see God created us with emotion, with desire, with Love. And being made in this fashion the brain does not understand what it does get especially if it has been something that has been provided before and it likes. Denying the flesh is like telling the brain that its not wired correctly. The brain wants to think on that very thing you are trying to forget, for now anyway. In my waking this morning my mind raced back and forth, the flesh was active running a 400 meter on rocks with no shoes. Ouch!!!!!! Medic!!!!! So, what did I do? I talked to God. He created me so He knows me. I read where one of my favorite writers stated, if your looking for instructions on you, go to the creator and owner's manual. God is my creator and the word of God is my owner's manual. I called on the name of Jesus and let me tell you after saying the Lords name a few times, you will forget in that moment, if you love Him and trust Him. And praise God I have Him to turn too because the alternative can not be an option, today.

I share this so you will know, whom ever you may be that your not alone and that the battle of flesh is real. Some win, some loose. Today, I WIN.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Pearls


 Pearls

The ocean is an amazing body created by God. In every animal is a gift and the oyster is one of them. An oyster can create the most beautiful piece of itself, the pearl. Many flock to the sand beds digging in search of the oyster. Many will find one with a pearl and what joy it is when it is found. It is treasured, many are gathered into a beautiful piece of jewelry. I love pearls and I thank God that he made me a pearl too. I am writing this blog on pearls not to focus on the oyster but to bring to light a topic that most do not talk about yet God speaks on it. I am writing this blog to give to life a story of love and compassion, a focus on the very pearl that is a part of many woman and man. Making love, having sex, booty call, this pearl is called many things but to bring my point, I am talking about celibacy.

Living a celibate life is a taboo for many but for God it is a mandate. Gods word states in Ephesians chapter 5, do not fornicate. Most of us have heard the sermon and have had many elders point a finger and tell us not to do this until marriage. But most of us I for one have forsaken that request. And in doing so tarnished the very blessing that God created for good.

Why? I am writing this for me and for millions of woman and men who need a reminder. A gentle nudging to keep in mind that what God has created is beautiful. I am confident that this is the time to go back and open up the minds of many who find the choice to live celibate hard, frustrating and down right crazy. To remind us all that we do not have to settle, we do not have to give away the most important part of ourselves with a hope that there will be some type of success story.

Walk with me on my journey, may you too realize that the beauty of the pearl is still valuable and priceless. That you are worth far more than rubies, the pearl.

I recently met a man, he is smart and in his words love God. I enjoyed his company and I was more excited that he was member of my church, a worker, a participant, a servant. I have prayed for God to bless me with His man, the man He has for me. We talked about God and we shared some commonalities. I was honest with him that I am celibate and I am praying to remain this way until I was married. He understood, so I thought. I also asked him to let me know if a relationship with me is not what he wanted. He stated he wanted to see where it goes, that he liked me. OK cool, I said to myself, this is going to be fun. Lord knows I am ready for some fun. I almost thought he was the one until that conversation. It basically went like this, I commend you for your walk, I don't think I can do it, I just don't know. My inner voice said to me uh oh here we go and what you mean you don't know, yes you do know. We decided to talk on the next day, he did not call so I called him, no need in prolonging anything, get it over with. In that conversation, he said it, he could not be celibate and this (our new thing) will not work, he could not, not have sex. I wanted to vomit. To be honest I wanted to punch him in the face however that would have been hard to do since we were on the telephone, just being honest. In my mind I repeated what he said but changed a few words, I do not want to do it. Though I said I understood and for the most part I did. I did fail understand because in my study of Gods word and knowing what God says, I kept replaying in my mind how can you say you love God and you want to live a right life but you do not want to stop having sex before marriage? Which head is talking? Do you value yourself any more than that? Now he is not the first, I met a practicing pastor and the issue came up of his flesh and how hard it is for him to not have sex outside of marriage and it almost sound like to me that he would get married to anyone just to have sex. Now I am no dumb dumb but I am still floored at the many men and women who walk around praising God, shouting and praying while in the dark nights they are still bound by sex. I can not condemn or judge, I am confused. I have been there and done that. Still there too, emotionally.
There were never talks in my house about the birds and the bees as a child. Though there were implied statements and conversations, nothing direct like lets sit down and talk about sex. Now I had sex education in school and that's where my curiosity started opening up. Television and magazines. I learned by trial and mush error. I started having sex at the age 14 and in doing so, I have two sons out of wedlock as its called and much heart ache. I have also been married. But between the start and the beginning of my sexcapade, I also loved and still do love God. I also prayed and shouted. But I knew that my actions were not lining up with Gods word and with that my life was destroyed on many levels. I actively used sex to find love but came up empty. I used sex to satisfy some dark pit inside me hoping that I would one day find my Boaz. Nope. Negative. Zilch. I did not have sex with every man I met, there are more whom I did not share this pearl with but the ones I did share with or more so gave away too, I wanted them specifically to love me, I craved them and in the end, I was broken down to a bowl of chipped glass. Until one night while getting my groove on with someone I could have loved to death, we finished. I looked at my bed partner all snug and snoozing in shear disgust. I replayed in my head our many conversations and the fact that this man was in no position to love anyone, including himself. Good hearted but broken too. The Holy Spirit burst into my thoughts right there in that bedroom saying to me, empty still? no love, no compassion, no emotion except for the few hours of heave and hoe, EMPTY. You can not make him love you, he is not worthy, is this what you want? Is this who you are? Let me tell ya people, I have never taken a shower and gotten dressed so fast, I would have won a Grammy. I can not tell you if the water was hot or cold and as I think about that night, I don't even remember the soap. I left and never looked back, at him. But oh no, a blast from the past months later and yet again, I am on my back with sweat rolling over my body and my soul crying out, shouting, EMPTY. The Holy Spirit did not show up but the message did and once again, I was out of there but this time I have not looked back. Let me tell you sisters and brothers there was another and I almost married him but praise God for His nudging and the events that led up to that end.

I fully repented and asked God to forgive me for trying to push His hand to action and give me strength to do His will, he did and here I am a 4 years later, free of the sexual baggage that most of us are walking with daily. Free from the emotional curses that saten uses to destroy Gods children. Not where I was but not where I am going but I stepped out of the box and reevaluated myself, allowed God to truly speak to me and work in me. Right now, I am traveling in the right lane for once in my life.

I share this because most of you hear that voice present in your heart, but you are afraid to turn around and run from the very thing that is destroying the beauty God created, you. You have rationalized to yourself why you are doing what your doing. It won't work and until you fully get that, you will remain at the starting gate of life, the life God has created for you, remember all of lives are ordered. God knows and He also knew what will happen and not happen. All the while, He is still holding His arms out waiting, waiting to love you unconditionally. Your wounds will continue to seep from under that bandages you try to cover them with. The scabs will never heal until you use the only medication for your condition. God, in spirit and in truth.

Value your pearl and live life on purpose, God's purpose.