Sunday, May 15, 2016
As I close out my day, I am sitting here thinking about the journey I am on. Being diagnosed with clinical depression is one of wonder and curiosity, frustration and bewilderment, anger and fear. Since that dreadful day, April 6, 2016, I have found myself embarked on a journey of seeking knowledge and understanding about this illness.
I woke up this morning with a strong desire to cry, scream and shout. I had a dread in my spirit that tried to consume me. I needed to clean a little, but as I started, I got stuck and had to sit down. Knowing that depression will cause you to shut down, I forced myself to accomplish my intended task. This was extremely hard mentally and physically. The dark cloud that loomed kept sounding the alarm beckoning me to stay in bed. I fought it and today ended up a good day. I willed myself to get up and get out. I took in two hours at the gym and got my one load of laundry done. Though my eating is slim to none, I did toss some chicken wings in the oven, no side dishes, it would have went to waist, I have no taste for anything in particular. Funny thing depression, it does affect every aspect of your being. One minute I feel at ease and in the next, anxious for no reason apparent. Yet, I still managed to be awake and present in my thoughts.
This week I will have my second counseling session, and I must say, I am looking forward to it. Lisa seems to be very personable and easy to talk with. All I know is that this thing will not beat me. I cannot allow this to take over, the God in me cannot allow it. Though my interest in the things I truly enjoy are not interesting at this time, I press forward keeping before me the joy, the peace, the will to understand. I allow myself to be still in the moment and just let it be all the while knowing that no matter what, I may be plagued and perplexed, I am okay and this too will pass.
As I gain knowledge and take in the information about depression, I am thankful to God that I do not have a desire to harm myself as so many who has suffered have. I love living and even though my living today may be rocky, clouded, and unpredictable, I relish in knowing that God is my comfort. Though I take medication, I am thankful that it is not leaving me in a state of deadness, for if it had, I would not take it. I find solace in knowing that I am not alone on this journey and even for a little while I do have peace.
Psalm 40:2 NLT - He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.
My bothers and sisters, I can not tell you how devastating this journey is for me, what I can tell you is that I am scared to death of the unknown of this illness. Though I am scared, I fueled by the desire to do my part in helping myself to be the best I can be. If you feel that you are dealing with depression, do not ignore it. Do not take lightly that this is an illness and just like cancer, there is treatment though it may not be a cure. Rest assured that if not addressed, depression can be devastating for you and those who love you. Stick around as I share my journey.
Saturday, May 7, 2016
I am still here. You may have been wondering, where is she? My last post was April 3, 2016. Well, let me tell you, I have been on a journey. I am suffering from depression, medication and all that comes with it. I have not been able to write, read, let alone function clearly due to the wall I crashed into, or should I say, the wall that crashed into me. It has been a month now, and I am doing much better, but this journey is what it is. I can only take the one day at a time granted me by the Father. The post you are about to read is what I wrote a few days after that dreadful day, April 6th.
My brothers and sisters, depression is real. The masks that we as African-American men and woman have been conditioned to wear must be removed. We must allow the process of life to flow through us no matter how it looks and while life is flowing, we must acknowledge who we are and what it is for us. Wearing the super cape, putting on the vibrant smile, saying we are okay when in fact we are not cannot continue to be our mantra. I will be penning my journey of depression in the hopes that in my words and transparency, you will see that in many ways we all suffer and if not checked, can be horrific not only for you but for those who love you. Stay tuned, its about to get real, up close and personal. My voice. My journey with depression. I would love to hear from you.
I absolutely do not know where to start in writing this blog. The past month has been eye opening. On April 6, 2016, I crashed face first in a wall; a wall of depression. Out of nowhere, the emotions of dread and despair gripped my shoulders and made its attempt to slam me unconscious. One minute I am fine and the next, completely shattered. Tears flowing, throat closing, and hand trembling, shattered. Sound familiar? Are you in denial that you too have hit the wall of depression? Well listen up, depression is serious and it is time that you get up and get busy getting the help you need to be the best you that you can be, without the mask.