Monday, June 4, 2012

Pushing Back

The word of God says this "

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen… Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

In my last post I lost it, I lost it internally and emotionally.  But praise God for His word.  Praise God when He sends you a comforter.  My last post I have to admit I meant every word in my being but I have forgiven and have also ask for forgiveness.  Being wounded for an animal I know is painful. Painful and they can not speak in words but in growls and groans.  Being wounded for a human is quite to opposite, we scream, we cry, we fight, and we sink to a low that most would not come up from.  But God.  God in His power can comfort, release and restore you.  The first step to restoration is forgiving your offender then yourself. The second is asking and knowing in faith that God has forgiven you, then walk away from it.  There are things and situations that we allow ourselves to get in and God will allow us to be in it, for a while.  Then He in His power will snatch you back, remove that thing you thought was the prize.  Its the test.  Its the molding and polishing for better.  The better could come in many forms, the better could be a new attitude.  But know this, all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and are called according to HIS purpose. 
 So I say to you when you have been slammed, go ahead cry, scream.  Be angry but do not sin and if you sin, humble yourself and go to the Father, He will help you, carry you and love you past it.
 The past 48 hours have been yet another journey for me. My eyes are open though my heart is on the mend. I stop running the race but I am still on the track. A journey of strength, of weakness, of rage and exhaustion.  Today, I praise God for it all, today I rise and thank Him for Who He is.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Pushed Back

  Much has changed since my last post and let me tell you it has changed hard and fast.  I am in a whirlwind. I have concluded that though God does not want for His children to live alone that He created Love and the unity of marriage, its not my journey to take.  I opened my heart, my mind and my being to a man who basically lied, led me to believe a lie.  "Its not you, its me and I just don't know if I want to be married again and any man would be blessed to have a woman like you, you are a wonderful woman.  OK heard that before and to many times.  So my whirlwind is blowing hard and its cutting deep.  I know God is ever present in me because if He was not, I would have seriously hurt the man.  His words has pushed me back, back to the familiar.  Back to the many times I have heard those words.  I am angry, I am in a fog and why?  All for the sake of love.  I shared this with my sister friend and I told her these words.  I am pissed off to the point of pistivity (sure its not a word but it sounds good).  I feel like I have been stabbed right in the jugular, life seeping out of me at  a fast pace.  I feel like there will never ever never be another chance for another to come as close as to pierce my heart.  I feel like the quality of man is totally null and void, though I know its not all, I hold my claim today.  I feel like the God in me feel asleep and forgot that I was there.  I feel like going backwards and showing what I have locked off, insanity, pure hatred and disdain. 

And while I feel all of this and them some, I wonder really what does one really want and why can't the truth be told at the gate before the race.  I strangle any thought that I will embark in loves closet.  I burn any thought that I will allow anyone to penetrate the very core of what God placed in me, to share that with another.  As a matter of fact, I know that road will not be traveled by me be it on 2 wheels or 4, hell I would not hope on 1 leg.  Today I am that bitter black woman tormented with the fire to destroy and not conquer.  Today I am the vile that creeps from deep within that melts like acid.  Today I will not cry out in distress, I will do this.  I will write out that which is choking the very air I am trying to refuse to breath in.  I will let this journey strip away all that I fear and in that fear I will remember the words of my Lord and savior. What you meant for harm, God will use for good, in me.  Om Jus Sayin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!