Friday, July 22, 2016

Triggers - My Journey Through Depression

For the past few weeks, I have been in a good space.  Though I have not been able to focus on writing or reading, my emotions are in check. My thoughts are not travelling at the speed of light, and I am not about to jump out of my skin with anxiety.  Now let’s acknowledge today.  I woke up well before the 3:30 a.m. alarm and as I was making my exit from under my comfy blankets, the rain pours and the lightening is singing a melody, brightening up the morning skies.  That in and of itself is nerve racking. I am not a fan of thunder or being struck by it. 

5:00 am and I am dressed, in my car, and on my way to do my employee duties, the engine light comes on. Scream! Heart races and my thoughts move faster than the 60 miles per hour I was actually travelling.  Mental combustion.  This is one of those times when I wish I had a willing and capable husband who I could cozy up on and say honey, the engine light is on in my car. And he would so lovingly say, take my car and I will get it fixed, I love you and need you safe. Awwwwwww. Hahaha. Well I don’t, so I have to pull up my big girl sweat pants and handle it. Whatever it is.

Triggers come in many forms. I have many 
and abandonment is one of my main triggers. I don’t get too close and as far I am concerned for good reason. With abandonment is trust and because these two are buddies, it is very hard for me to step out of my comfort zone. I can be honest and transparent, but what I cannot be is totally vulnerable. Even though I know and trust God for my healing, I also know that all of this emotional chaos will soon pass and the bondage of depression and anxiety will fade away.

Sound familiar? Those of you who are battling depression and anxiety can relate to the calm and then the storm. Most often we can feel that storm before it slams into our beautiful and temporary peaceful space and time.  For a minute, my mind wanted to grab every negative event and run with it. I wanted to rant and do a rage dance about how and why this and that is getting on my last nerve, and just maybe the world is coming to an abrupt end (exaggeration) obviously we don’t know the time of the end. I wanted to really just climb right back under that boulder that I have managed to push to the side, and sit in my mental corner. 

My brothers and sisters, we must be aware and ready when the triggers surface. We must have a firm grasp even if it slips, on the triggers that can cause us to spiral back into the darkness of depression.  Learning these triggers takes patience and tenacity. We have to be willing. Learning them also requires acknowledgement on our part that they exist and trying to ignore them only sets us back in our growth and healing. No, it will not be easy and yes, you will fail, but the key is acknowledgement. Once you gained that step, you are on your way.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, to all of you who follow, comment, and share my blog posts.  It is humbling to know that some or all of what I have shared from the heart has resonated with you in some way.  Forgive my lack in consistent posting, this journey has really taken a lot out of me, but I am getting my mojo back.  Keep me in your prayers as I do the same for you. Hugs!

Be Blessed