Much has changed since my last post and let me tell you it has changed hard and fast. I am in a whirlwind. I have concluded that though God does not want for His children to live alone that He created Love and the unity of marriage, its not my journey to take. I opened my heart, my mind and my being to a man who basically lied, led me to believe a lie. "Its not you, its me and I just don't know if I want to be married again and any man would be blessed to have a woman like you, you are a wonderful woman. OK heard that before and to many times. So my whirlwind is blowing hard and its cutting deep. I know God is ever present in me because if He was not, I would have seriously hurt the man. His words has pushed me back, back to the familiar. Back to the many times I have heard those words. I am angry, I am in a fog and why? All for the sake of love. I shared this with my sister friend and I told her these words. I am pissed off to the point of pistivity (sure its not a word but it sounds good). I feel like I have been stabbed right in the jugular, life seeping out of me at a fast pace. I feel like there will never ever never be another chance for another to come as close as to pierce my heart. I feel like the quality of man is totally null and void, though I know its not all, I hold my claim today. I feel like the God in me feel asleep and forgot that I was there. I feel like going backwards and showing what I have locked off, insanity, pure hatred and disdain.
And while I feel all of this and them some, I wonder really what does one really want and why can't the truth be told at the gate before the race. I strangle any thought that I will embark in loves closet. I burn any thought that I will allow anyone to penetrate the very core of what God placed in me, to share that with another. As a matter of fact, I know that road will not be traveled by me be it on 2 wheels or 4, hell I would not hope on 1 leg. Today I am that bitter black woman tormented with the fire to destroy and not conquer. Today I am the vile that creeps from deep within that melts like acid. Today I will not cry out in distress, I will do this. I will write out that which is choking the very air I am trying to refuse to breath in. I will let this journey strip away all that I fear and in that fear I will remember the words of my Lord and savior. What you meant for harm, God will use for good, in me. Om Jus Sayin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!