Sunday, June 3, 2012

Pushed Back

  Much has changed since my last post and let me tell you it has changed hard and fast.  I am in a whirlwind. I have concluded that though God does not want for His children to live alone that He created Love and the unity of marriage, its not my journey to take.  I opened my heart, my mind and my being to a man who basically lied, led me to believe a lie.  "Its not you, its me and I just don't know if I want to be married again and any man would be blessed to have a woman like you, you are a wonderful woman.  OK heard that before and to many times.  So my whirlwind is blowing hard and its cutting deep.  I know God is ever present in me because if He was not, I would have seriously hurt the man.  His words has pushed me back, back to the familiar.  Back to the many times I have heard those words.  I am angry, I am in a fog and why?  All for the sake of love.  I shared this with my sister friend and I told her these words.  I am pissed off to the point of pistivity (sure its not a word but it sounds good).  I feel like I have been stabbed right in the jugular, life seeping out of me at  a fast pace.  I feel like there will never ever never be another chance for another to come as close as to pierce my heart.  I feel like the quality of man is totally null and void, though I know its not all, I hold my claim today.  I feel like the God in me feel asleep and forgot that I was there.  I feel like going backwards and showing what I have locked off, insanity, pure hatred and disdain. 

And while I feel all of this and them some, I wonder really what does one really want and why can't the truth be told at the gate before the race.  I strangle any thought that I will embark in loves closet.  I burn any thought that I will allow anyone to penetrate the very core of what God placed in me, to share that with another.  As a matter of fact, I know that road will not be traveled by me be it on 2 wheels or 4, hell I would not hope on 1 leg.  Today I am that bitter black woman tormented with the fire to destroy and not conquer.  Today I am the vile that creeps from deep within that melts like acid.  Today I will not cry out in distress, I will do this.  I will write out that which is choking the very air I am trying to refuse to breath in.  I will let this journey strip away all that I fear and in that fear I will remember the words of my Lord and savior. What you meant for harm, God will use for good, in me.  Om Jus Sayin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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