Sunday, May 15, 2016
Preplexed - My Journey of Depression
As I close out my day, I am sitting here thinking about the journey I am on. Being diagnosed with clinical depression is one of wonder and curiosity, frustration and bewilderment, anger and fear. Since that dreadful day, April 6, 2016, I have found myself embarked on a journey of seeking knowledge and understanding about this illness.
I woke up this morning with a strong desire to cry, scream and shout. I had a dread in my spirit that tried to consume me. I needed to clean a little, but as I started, I got stuck and had to sit down. Knowing that depression will cause you to shut down, I forced myself to accomplish my intended task. This was extremely hard mentally and physically. The dark cloud that loomed kept sounding the alarm beckoning me to stay in bed. I fought it and today ended up a good day. I willed myself to get up and get out. I took in two hours at the gym and got my one load of laundry done. Though my eating is slim to none, I did toss some chicken wings in the oven, no side dishes, it would have went to waist, I have no taste for anything in particular. Funny thing depression, it does affect every aspect of your being. One minute I feel at ease and in the next, anxious for no reason apparent. Yet, I still managed to be awake and present in my thoughts.
This week I will have my second counseling session, and I must say, I am looking forward to it. Lisa seems to be very personable and easy to talk with. All I know is that this thing will not beat me. I cannot allow this to take over, the God in me cannot allow it. Though my interest in the things I truly enjoy are not interesting at this time, I press forward keeping before me the joy, the peace, the will to understand. I allow myself to be still in the moment and just let it be all the while knowing that no matter what, I may be plagued and perplexed, I am okay and this too will pass.
As I gain knowledge and take in the information about depression, I am thankful to God that I do not have a desire to harm myself as so many who has suffered have. I love living and even though my living today may be rocky, clouded, and unpredictable, I relish in knowing that God is my comfort. Though I take medication, I am thankful that it is not leaving me in a state of deadness, for if it had, I would not take it. I find solace in knowing that I am not alone on this journey and even for a little while I do have peace.
Psalm 40:2 NLT - He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.
My bothers and sisters, I can not tell you how devastating this journey is for me, what I can tell you is that I am scared to death of the unknown of this illness. Though I am scared, I fueled by the desire to do my part in helping myself to be the best I can be. If you feel that you are dealing with depression, do not ignore it. Do not take lightly that this is an illness and just like cancer, there is treatment though it may not be a cure. Rest assured that if not addressed, depression can be devastating for you and those who love you. Stick around as I share my journey.