Friday, August 19, 2016

Decisions – My Journey Through Depression

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a clean and neat person. Well, not as of late. I absolutely cannot bring myself to empty the dishwasher and load up the few dishes that have sat in my sink, in dishwater for the past few days, well going on 4 days. I have emptied the dish water and refilled the sink with clean soapy water, but I have not had the desire to complete the dish washing process.  Judge me if you will, unless you have faced this horrible illness, you really have no idea what a depressive will face on a day-to-day basis.  To some, making a decision is like chopping off your own hand and watching it bleed.  I can get dramatic.

I have talked with other woman to learn that they too face this battle.  Tasks as small as emptying a dishwasher and reloading it, come on, really? Yes, absolutely. I find myself looking around and saying to myself, I need to do that and this, oh and that. I start out on a good groove of hitting every room in my two-bedroom apartment. I swipe at the bathroom (no it is not horrendous), I adjust the kitchen (it is summer time so I am not cooking), my bedroom is my cave, so no, making the bed is not an option, and don’t even look in my closet, you will get lost. The living room is picture perfect, I am never in there unless there is company, and Lord knows, I don’t want company. Introverts cringe at the sound of someone knocking on the door. I look at my phone, I look out my window to see if there is a car I know, the benefits of living on the parking lot side of the apartments.  Did I miss a call? Did they call first? Ignore. Silence. Go away. As a matter of fact, run for your life.

I have had to really force myself to even take a shower and brush my teeth. I dreaded going to the grocery store for sustenance. Thank God for working outside of the home, there is now no choice in those decisions.  I worked from home for a year and let me tell you, the last few months are a blur. I hardly left my house. Rise at 5:30 am, coffee in hand walking into the home office. I did not have to get dressed, but just in case I had a system issue, I partially dressed. I hardly left my house during the winter time and trust me, it was not hard to do.  When the depression slammed me into the wall, I was working from home and if it had not been for one my favorite ladies and supervisor’s being at her desk at that particular time, I don’t know what I would have done. I was mentally in the ceiling, in the corner like a spider creating a web for it's prey. Yes, I was a mess, tears, and full blown panic attack. But God saw fit to have the right person in the right place, at the right time. This lady has been a prayer warrior and encourager. She has seen me in tears and has witnessed my joyful goofy moments.  Thank you Diane, words can not express  how thankful I am for you, you will not know how much you helped me on that dreadful day. Your prayers, your kind words,  your calm in the middle of storms, and your encouragement was and is absolutely the light of Christ.

I don’t pretend that all is well, because it is not. I don’t pretend to have all the answers, I don’t. I will tell you that I am learning so much more about myself and mental illness though this journey. I could care less of what others may say or think due to sharing my story. It is my story and if I can help to encourage one person, that is a win-win. It doesn’t matter what degree of darkness a person faces in mental illness. Mental illness does not mean that you are defective or damaged. It does not mean that you have somehow crossed over into the abyss of insanity floating around in a pitch black sky, alone. You are not doomed to live a life of uncertainty with pills and doctors invading your mental space. No, quite the opposite. It means that you have lived a life with a mask and it is now time for you to allow that mask to fall and crack into a million pieces.  It means you have internalized major events to keep from addressing them. It also means that the serotonin in your brain is either depleted or on overload, you can’t sleep and leaving your house is like World War II, or you are sleeping too much to avoid life all together. It means that your emotions are not yours to control and any word or look will cause the tears to overflow like a beautiful water fall, nonstop.

It is time for you to release and let go. It is time for you to acknowledge just how beautiful and handsome (can’t leave my brothers out) you are. That you have gifts waiting for someone to cherish. You have a heart of forgiveness to unleash onto all that need it or don’t. Remember, acknowledgement and forgiveness is for you and you alone. Forgiveness ushers in freedom, peace, and love of you just for you.

My brothers and sisters, you are not alone. I cannot say that enough. Do the work. Get clarity. Get grounded. God did not give us a spirit of fear, He gave us dominion and authority. We will go through trials. We are in spiritual warfare first and then it is physical. Fight the good fight of faith. God is right there with you, lean on Him. You are in preparation for a great testimony. 

Please excuse the more than double spaces on this post, Blogger won the fight.

Be Blessed

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