Thursday, March 13, 2014

Amazing Grace - A Personal Reflection

I have never been one to be caught up in emotions.  The reason is, as a child  I have seen a lot, felt a lot and at some point it just became pointless to be emotional.  The emotional I am speaking of are tears. Tears be it tears of joy, sadness, anger you name it, I was not shedding any tears.  As a result many would say to me, you are so strong. You are a strong woman or I wish I was as strong as you. Little did they know, I hated that word. Strong? What is strong?  I hated the comment even more. I wanted to scream and shout NO I AM NOT STRONG.  I am broken.
 No, I was not strong, I basically internalized everything,  total shut down when needed.  I did not acknowledge much. I just went through the motions of each situation in my life and others lives too. Oh I was present in body but not in mind.  Broken relationships, move on. Countless break ups, move. Abandonment on every level, move on. Divorce, move on. Loss of a jobs, move on. Loosing many who I thought were my loyal friends because I thought I was a loyal friend, move on.  Death, move on. So the pattern was to just keep it moving.  Until one day God said, STOP. It was earth shattering. I was floored. I was extremely devastated. I was broken, again.  Another crack in the poetry.   It happened on March 13, 2007. My oldest sister Leslie Jackson passed away. That day was a fog but I saw it before it happened.  After a sever stroke the doctors asked that all family members come and meet. I knew what that meant though I was certain my nieces and nephew did not.  My sister did not want to have any surgery of any kind.  And the one thing that may have saved her life in our human thought, we had to stand down and honor her request.  She was sent home and in a matter of days, she was called home. I understand that it was not Gods will.  In January 2007 I had a dream that resembled the dreams in Genesis 41. The 7 fatted calves and the 7 sick calves. The 7 sick calves ate up the healthy calves. The 7 healthy corn and the 7 sick corn, the 7 sick corn consumed the 7 healthy corn.  My dream was about 7 people, all of whom I knew very well, my family members.  At the time of the dream all them are grown  I never told anyone about the dream until years later. I shared the dream with a minister friend who has knows me since I was a child, this is what he said.  That my life and that dream represents the 7 years of famine and the 7 years of harvest. In Genesis the harvest was first and then came the famine. In my life this represented the reverse, 7 years of famine and then the 7 years of harvest. I was stunned. The words sunk and cut deep and God stood up in my spirit confirming just what was said. I was told that even though the hardships and trials that I was dealing with were not going to last, it was going to be a refining time, a burning of the gold if you will.  A breaking down to build up. Reconstruction. Oh Lord.  I am in the 7th year.  I now get emotional. I now let God fully refine me. I no longer hold on to things that I can not control. I no longer try to control that which is out of my control.  I no longer allow others to dictate to me or for me how I am going to feel.  I have released so much, I feel light as a feather.  I choose. I win. And I praise God for it all.  I am not where I was and I am not where I am going.  I am not who I used to be and I am surly not who I am becoming.  As I think about Matthew chapter 5 and verse 4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.  Awwww what a wonderful thing to know we are not alone in anything we go through. God is with us in every situation.  I encourage you to feel the emotions in your life all of them. Look back and move forward.  Look back to accept and acknowledge then, move on.  It is that simple, it will be hard but it is simple. It’s a choice. The choice of accepting that amazing grace.  Be Blessed

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