Screaming At Chronic Pain

The days and nights are a struggle. Movement takes much effort but I press on. Since the diagnosis of degenerative disk disease and arthritis I thought nothing of it. I did not have much in the way of symptoms. My days were normal and I seemed to enjoy them all. That was fourteen years ago. Now, shear anger and frustration, sadness and fear. Exhaustion mentally and physically. Chronic pain is no laughing matter. Sharp pain, stiffness, muscle spasms in my back, legs, arms and hands, neck. Headaches. Nothing seems to give me comfort for long. So much medication I wonder if I am the new CVC or a mini Walgreens, most of I can't even take. Disparate. Tests after test to only hear more disturbing results, possible disability.

That is my life. I scream at chronic pain. Sleep is non existent. I think back to the woman with the issue of blood. She just knew that if she could just touch the hem of Jesus's garment she would be healed. Faith. I close my eyes and repeat, by his stripes I am healed to open my eyes and still feel that debilitating pain. Going to work smiling when I want to scream and cry oceans. Faith. I have faith but in all honesty my faith waivers and I want to give up. At times I attempt to give up but then I am reminded by a smile or laugh or a kind word from another. Reminded by the little hands and feet, laughter and sounds from my grand children. There are days when I do give up, but God. Those days when walking is a triathlon, I still have faith. In those nights that sleep is absent, I still have faith.

I do know that all things do work together for the good of those who love the Lord and when I can't do much else, I praise Him. God is our healer. God is our refuge. So today, I focus yet again on the healing power of an almighty Savior. Today, I am not be at my best but, I look to the best, Jesus and his righteousness. I may be down but I'm not out. I am NEVER out.

Be Blessed - I Am

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